Get all 10 The Humdrum Express releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Turkey Teeth, One Man's Tat (Is Another Man's Treasure), Forward Defensive, The Gig Chatterer, Christmas With Evan Dando, Denim In The Dugout, Ultracrepidarian Soup, Online Beer Club, and 2 more.
1. |
Brave Boy
02:08
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I’m not alone in suffering from needle phobia
It’s both frightening and hard to justify
But the thought of getting a small reward sometimes helps me through it
Seemingly, they’re in short supply…
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
I’m aware that the cost of a badge might be seen as a drain on resources
But this jab was an achievement for me
It wasn’t me who spent 37 billion on a failed track and trace system
And millions more on deficient PPE
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
Amazing NHS staff alleviated
The nervousness I couldn’t help displaying
My fears, so patiently tolerated
Their endurance skills honed observing claps in lieu of paying
For 24 hours after my vaccination
My temperature rose, and I felt sick
Those daily Downing Street briefings left me similarly nauseous
Also brought about by a small prick
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping for an enamel badge
I got a brave boy sticker, but I was hoping
And like health workers, I’m left hoping…
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2. |
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I know this may sound like an unlikely tale but, I once spent Christmas Day on Bondi Beach with Evan Dando
Exploring the southern hemisphere can throw up so many new experiences and unlikely situations -
None more so than the sight of the 90’s Slacker pin-up casually wandering amongst jubilant festive revellers
The temperature was close to 30 degrees, but Evan wore a sweatshirt, jeans and cowboy boots which further enhanced his cool guy reputation.
I, meanwhile, looked every inch the weediest bloke ever to set foot on an Aussie shoreline.
I know this may sound like an unlikely tale but, I once spent Christmas Day on Bondi Beach with Evan Dando
As luck would have it, upon my arrival in Sydney, I’d purchased a cheap guitar which I’d happened to take with me to the beach.
I must add here though, that I’ve never been that guy who takes an acoustic to a festival for late night noodling - Why do they do that?
Do they blindly hope to be discovered or seriously think nearby campers enjoy their repertoire of Oasis covers?
Anyway, back to the story – my mates and I somehow ended up joining Evan and his friends, where we were treated to a set of Lemonheads classics
I know this may sound like an unlikely tale but, I once spent Christmas Day on Bondi Beach with Evan Dando
I remember Evan telling me he’d come to the beach to get over the disappointment of a Santa no-show due to transportation problems.
A combination of star-struck nerves and strong drink led me to make an idiotic joke about it being a “shame about sleigh”
I felt such a fool but he kindly handed the guitar back to me, asking if I’d like to play something.
Well, I’d recently been busking ‘Into Your Arms’ so we performed a duet – one of THEE classic moments in Rock n Roll history!
I know this may sound like an unlikely tale but, I once spent Christmas Day on Bondi Beach with Evan Dando
I acknowledge a slight exaggeration over the years, but it’s probably no surprise that this has since become one of my favourite anecdotes, repeated on an almost weekly basis to the deftly disguised delight of work mates.
Whilst Evan and I admit “we’ve never been too good with names” that Bondi Bond remains so strong that if either of us happened to be in trouble we’d pick up the phone and the other would drop everything to, once again, become a bit part in each others lives
I know this may sound like an unlikely tale but, I once spent Christmas Day on Bondi Beach with Evan Dando
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3. |
Nostalgia For Beginners
03:40
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Sitting at the front of a double decker
A carved wooden bookend in the shape of a woodpecker
Scooby Doo, Mystery Machine
League ladders in Shoot! Magazine
Saturday evenings waiting in the rain
The Sports Argus driver’s late again
Spot the Ball, Spud-U-Like
Builder’s bum, park your bike
We’re still drawn in the cup - Against the team
We’re due to play - The same week in the league
Berni Inn, Crossroads motel
Azumah Nelson, Pat Cowdell
New Romantics, New Wave
One Step Beyond, One Foot in the Grave
We’re still drawn in the cup - Against the team
We’re due to play - The same week in the league
How can this happen? I hear you say
One draws the home team, another draws away
A challenging outcome, a challenging cup
Year on year this quirk crops up
Bubble gum cards, Panini stickers
Opal Fruits, Starburst, Marathon, Snickers
Amos Brierley, Woolpack
Shoestring, Bergerac
We’re With The Woolwich, Streetband - toast
Ronnie Radford, Rentaghost
33 1/3, 3310
Kicking off at 3pm
We’re still drawn in the cup - Against the team
We’re due to play - The same week in the league
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4. |
The Gig Chatterer
02:44
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Home from work, I put my best shirt on
I’m out tonight, catching up with friends
Meet early for a few drinks, and then onto a gig
The perfect start to my weekend
Acoustic bands are best, less need for me to shout
My naturally booming speaking voice will do
I’m 6’4” and I quite like to stand near the front
Helps me get a better view
I’m socialising, why the hell should I be
Apologising, I’ve paid my way in
We’ve finally got served and I’m holding court
Just my luck the first act’s about to play
I’m going to tell you about my ailments
And what happened to me at work today
I’m socialising, why the hell should I be
Apologising, I’ve paid my way in
I’ve been called disrespectful by the easily upset
Who asked why can’t I just enjoy the show?
It’s not as if I even know this track
I’ll sing along when they play one I know
I’m socialising, why the hell should I be
Apologising, I thought speech was free?
The king of gig chatter, I don’t take in subject matter
Or hear this song’s about me…
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5. |
Staying Inn
02:05
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He’s built a home bar in the garden at great expense
To get one up on his neighbour on the other side of the fence
His own Club Tropicana, where the drinks are free
Got a plaque above the entrance with his name as licensee
Cul-de-sac harmony’s wearing thin
Since the opening of The Staying Inn
He’s built a home bar in the garden where lock-ins are always allowed
Generous measures are served up for a small, exclusive crowd
For those without an invite, there’s a virtual tour online
To view ostentatious optics and his subtle neon sign
Cul-de-sac harmony’s wearing thin
Since the opening of The Staying Inn
He’s built a home bar in the garden, Las Vegas themed
Elvis karaoke, Sky Sports, bar snacks, big screen
Rings a bell to call last orders which helps keep him amused
He’s got six bespoke bar stools, though five are rarely used
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6. |
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I’ve got a signed photo of Terry and June and a tankard off Bullseye
Got lots of yellow, green and brown snooker balls – They were a baulk buy
I’ve got a recipe for beans on toast… with all the trimmings
I’ve got the box that Brian Lara wore during his record breaking innings
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s…
I’ve got a Qualcast mower, gold leaf blower and a Tamagotchi pet
I’ve even got, ironically, an Alanis Morisette cassette
I’ve got newspaper cuttings from the opening of the Channel Tunnel
I’ve got a life sized cut-out… of Sally Gunnell
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s…
I’ve got every episode of The Brittas Empire on VHS
I’ve got a Corgi Bat Mobile and a Corby trouser press
I’ve got a Stella McCartney lime green leatherette Pac A Mac
I’ve got a Crackerjack pencil (Crackerjack!)
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s Treasure
One Man’s Tat is another Man’s…
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7. |
Third Choice Keeper
03:18
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I’m a third choice keeper, rarely called upon
There’s great camaraderie in the goalies union
I’m a third choice keeper, earn a fair amount
Paid each month into my non-savers account
My best performances are witnessed at training grounds
You may have seen me on the bench in the league cup early rounds
I hate coaches’ calls to play out from the back
And the shouts to put my crisps down when facing a counter attack
I’m a third choice keeper, rarely called upon
There’s great camaraderie in the goalies union
I’m a third choice keeper, earn a fair amount
Paid each month into my non-savers account
45 appearances spanning 20 years,
I played 6 times one season – the most in my career
Winner’s medals adorn my walls without playing a game
On each year’s team photo I’m the one that you can’t name
The understudy’s understudy, unsung unique
I rarely work on Saturday’s but train hard in the week
I dream of saving penalties in a shoot out in the cup
But I’m here to make the number of home-grown players up
I’m a third choice keeper, rarely called upon
There’s great camaraderie in the goalies union
I’m a third choice keeper, earn a fair amount
Paid each month into my non-savers account
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8. |
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Often used, by the TV news
Wheeled out to share Nationalistic views, on repeat
Tapping on his phone, while sitting on the throne
You can almost hear a collective groan
When Peter Shilton Tweets
In ’86 – indecisive
These days, divisive
The hand of God Save the Queen
Those who mock, feel the force of a timely block
We could have done with one at Wembley in ‘73
He marshals his defence by pretending to take offence
And when it looks like turning ugly he calls up Beardsley
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9. |
Manscape Monday
02:44
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My hobbies include my wardrobe and my hair,
My fitness routine and my daily skincare
I hope my chosen fragrance adds to my allure
Along with my frequently scheduled manicure
I regularly keep downstairs untidiness at bay
It’s just another manscape Monday
A fashion sense fuelled by fear of someone wearing the same
Stretch nylon fabrics compliment my well toned frame
A fresh ensemble each day, to suit the weather
With trademark unexpected colours, worn together
A monthly accumulation of designer bags
A dedicated follower of price tags
Got a new set of teeth, to add to my disguise
But like my heroes on TV, I could have done with a smaller size…
Of course there are those who choose to mock my chic finesse
With small minded opinions on how I like to dress
From shouts in the street to harsh online pot-shots
Ridiculed for trying to make the best of what I’ve got
While other’s vocal views only highlight what they lack
I pretend it’s water off a peacock’s back
Other’s vocal views only highlight what they lack
So I pretend it’s water off a peacock’s back
Manscape Monday
Wish it was Sunday
That’s my fun day
My marathon run day
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10. |
What A Time To Be Alive!
02:33
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What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
I must amend my CV, the current one won’t impress
Was a part-time attendee at Curmudgeons R US on a YTS
I enrolled as a mature student, in desperate times
Turned up late for calligraphy classes in the hope of being given lines
You can have that one in writing…
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
My circle of friends are getting older, time’s flying by
From crowd to silver surfers in the blink of an eye
I try to keep my outlook youthful, but fret about my health
Trod on a snail in my vegan doc martens – accidentally offended myself
Another all too often ‘one of those days’
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
I’m scouring applications for a job that won’t exist
I resumed work on my resume; put my key skills in a list
Kitchen multi-tasking took me a while to learn
Dancing and feeding babies while tweeting Lauren Laverne
You may have heard my daily shout outs…
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
What a time to be alive! I’ll probably have to work till I’m 85
Have a sarcastic air punch…
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11. |
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A mate of mine, known locally as the singing chef, thought he’d spend some of his furlough time on his musical hobby and set about cooking up a plan to stream his first ever live acoustic gig.
He spent a day preparing for the online extravaganza - half an hour running through the set, ten minutes perfecting his “lean-in switch off technique” which would follow the final track, and six hours painting a huge Paypal Me sign.
He always was a romantic daydreamer and thought the performance might help to top up his reduced wages and maybe re-connect with those he was missing but, most of all, take his mind off his employment uncertainty.
You’ll always find him in the kitchen at watch parties
Event page shared, camera strategically placed. He’d even borrowed a spotlight in the hope that his sign could be seen more clearly.
I felt slightly nervous for him, but there was no going back. It was time, at last, to go live.
It all started so well. It was noted that there were 30 people watching – the biggest crowd he’d played to in years!
As he openly admitted, the lack of applause at the end of each song was something he was already well accustomed to.
You’ll always find him in the kitchen at watch parties
His natural warmth and humility made up for the occasional lack of finesse, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride at seeing a mate do well.
The likes and comments soon started to fly in, and curiosity found me scrolling through
It would appear that most seemed to mention, and discuss, not the so much the music but a row of garish underpants left airing in full view on the radiator.
Note to self, never do a home gig on wash day
You’ll always find him in the kitchen at watch parties
Knowing him to be a sensitive soul, I was worried he might take the comments to heart, especially having spent a lot of time on his own recently.
I think I’ll drop him a message, just to check that he’s ok -
You should always look after those furloughed friends
Maybe I could offer him some advice by saying time is a great healer
It’s a cliché I know, but he might be consoled by me telling him
He’ll stream again, don’t know where, don’t know when
But I know he’ll stream again
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12. |
Denim In The Dugout
02:49
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He used to wear a suit until he axed it
Found a casual substitute - stonewashed, relaxed fit
From Brazil to Bulgaria
On the touchline and technical area
Football managers are wearing jeans
They shelved sports wear; heard ripped slim fit looked hotter
When sported by Sean Dyche and Graham Potter
An assistant coach in shorts in December
Is an image I’d rather not remember, now
Football managers are wearing jeans
Brendan Rodgers often goes out shopping
The fashion league is one he dreams of topping
A recent acid-wash acquisition
Turned heads of those held back by tradition
Football managers are wearing jeans
Away fans crudely chanted “What’s he got on?”
“Dark blue, distressed, snug fit hard wearing cotton”
There’s outfit help for those in need
From Kenny Jacket and Neil Harris-Tweed
Neil Warnock’s flares flap in the breeze
Steve Bruce cuts a dash in dungarees
No foul committed, the ref says “play on”
Garry Monk’s transferred to spray-ons
Football managers are wearing jeans
2-0 down half time at Grimsby Town
His wardrobe and his team get a dressing down
Roy Hodgson still looks sharp in a suit, but
Wait till you see Bielsa in boot cut!
Excitement mounting on cup final day
Double denim droves down Wembley Way
A united apparel from dugout to crowd
Rossi and Parfitt would be so proud
Football managers are wearing jeans
Football managers are wearing jeans – It’s a real game changer!
Football managers are wearing jeans - A tactical jean-ius!
Football managers are wearing jeans - A victory over two legs!
Football managers!
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13. |
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Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Ah, the selfie of those crocodile tears in full flow, to show how upset you think you should appear to be
The must use hashtags… #gutted and #legend – This, after all, was your hero, remember?
Don’t be disheartened if you’re not first to break the news –
There’s always someone, somewhere who won’t have heard
It may not seem like it, but time… time-line is a great healer
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
At last, the opportunity you’ve been waiting for to scroll through those endless phone photos
To re-share that blurry image of you invading the freshly deceased’s privacy during a chance encounter
How long should I wait before it’s OK to make a joke at their expense?
… Is a question you never thought to ask
Shrewdly turning someone’s passing into more about you than them
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Re-posting the announcement of someone’s demise years after the event has occurred is… admittedly a joy
You can’t fool all of the people all of the time but, in this instance, the percentage is high
eBay vultures circle, with cold hopes of cashing in on misfortune while it remains current
One day, it will be their turn...
With no bids, no watchers and no interest
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Celebrity Death, Celebrity Death Etiquette
Shrewdly turning someone’s passing into more about you than them
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The Humdrum Express Kidderminster, UK
Regularly championed by BBC 6 Music and famed for withering critique, The Humdrum Express breezily delivers offbeat observation, social commentary and sharp wit; fused with familiar cultural references, surreal characters and subtle puns.
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